The Escape Continues...

Well, clearly we aren't committing to the junk food rehab we intended when this blog started a year and a half ago.  But that doesn't mean the fight has been abandoned.  Continue to follow Kate and Sarah on their weight loss (and general life) journeys at their main blogs: Practical Pablum and Mama Sarahndipity

Maybe, Just Maybe, It's Working?

I'm down about 3 lbs. For the first time in almost a year, I'm under 160. Whoop!

I have abandoned my calorie counting and instead adopted a plan where I don't have any processed sugar (fruit and a little agave syrup are ok), and try to avoid breads and pastas. And it's working! I feel better, and I even think I already look a little better - the dress I'm trying to get into already has more breathing room.

Yay!

I definitely could not have done this the other way around. Without spending a few weeks really counting calories this plan of avoiding sugar and breads wouldn't have been as successful because I would have been dumping cheese on everything or loading up on too much salad dressing. but now that I've gotten in the habit of measuring and doing without those high calorie extras, basically eating whatever I want as long as it is the fruit and veggie category is so much easier. And effective.

I've actually lost a little weight!!

(for the salads I have been obsessed with enjoying lately, click here

Fat Math

Remember how six months ago (or whatever - not counting) I started writing on this blog? About how I was going to finally get rid of this extra padding I've been carrying around? ABout how I had 30 lbs to lose, and however many months to do it before I hit BlogHer this summer? Yeah. BlogHer is now two weeks away and I have lost... nothing.

Not. An. Ounce.

Pathetic.

Turns out that intending to eat right doesn't actually make you lose weight. So while I have been faithful to my gym membership, the scale hasn't budged a bit because I've paid no attention to what is going in my mouth. it is all "this will be the last time" or "having one of these every once in a while isn't so bad" never mind that once in a while is every day.

So.

I have actually begun paying attention. I have been counting calories religiously - monitoring my intake and maintaining a reasonable level with fanatical attention. If it's going to put me over or to severely restrict my numbers for the rest of the day, I don't eat it. It has really changed the way I look at food, and while in many ways it is depressing (try watching a travel channel food show and imagine the calories contained in any featured meal. takes away the fun of dreaming of visiting those restaurants when you know it will blow two days worth of calories), in general it has helped.

Except weight wise. That hasn't changed at all. Now, I realize that I can't expect to see miracle results when I've only put in a few week's effort. But I should have lost at least a little. Let me break it down for you: 1 lb = 3500 calories. I have cut AT LEAST 500 calories from my daily intake. 500 calories x 7 days = 1 lb a week. Seeing as I was maintaining my current weight with my previous eating habits, a weekly deficit of 3500 calories should result in a perfectly reasonable 1 lb weight loss. And we're at zippo.

Super discouraging.

And here we are at only two weeks until BlogHer. Not enough time to make any sort of difference at all weight wise, especially since being as good as I have been has shown zero results. But hopefully, it is a short enough time to maintain a super strict eating plan (no sugar!! no breads!!). Because my dress for Friday night is a hair tight and I'd rather not have to hold my breath all evening. So.

Goal #1: eat super clean for the next two weeks to debloat and slim just enough to wear my dress comfortably.

If I do this and the dress fits, hopefully it will be the inspiration I need to continue on. If I I do it and the dress still doesn't fit, well, then there is a good chance I'm going to pound some cake when I get home from New York.

The First Step?

I have recently made a breakthrough of sorts (the itty bitty tiniest sort of breakthrough) in the way I view food. For the past several weeks I have noticed that whenever I see commercials for fast food or prepared foods from the store, instead of thinking "ooh, that looks good" I think "gross. why would anyone feed that to their kids or put all of those chemical in their body?" All of a sudden all of my knowledge about HFCS and MSG and food coloring etc has manifested in utter disgust when faced with advertisements of processed foods.

Unfortunately, if oyu placed many of those same foods in front of me when I was hungry none of the thoughts of chemicals would pass through my head and I would still totally eat it. But I still feel that I have taken an important first step. I'm viewing food at least a little differently, and now all I have to do is keep pushing that change until it affects how I eat as well as how I think.

Huh - I thought this would be a longer post.

Fat And Happy?

I haven't been keeping up with my posting here, and there is a very good reason: I haven't wanted to continue rehashing my failure. My failure to stop eating junk, my failure to lose any weight, my failure to make any sort of change in my mindset or eating habits.

It's depressing. It's embarrassing.

I have come far enough in this journey to realize now that there can really be no moderation for me. One is too many, and hundred is not enough, or so they say. If I get started with the sweets, I just can't control myself - so there has to be a cold turkey, never again approach to some of that stuff, at least for the foreseeable future until i get my cravings and body chemistry back under control. Then maybe I can think about moderation. But for now there has to be a no sugar policy.

And that sucks.

I know that when I am thin, and the cravings are out of my system I will feel great. I know that I will probably not miss sweets after I haven't had them for a while. But from where I'm standing now, it seems impossible. It is miserable to suffer through the cravings and not give in. it is mentally defeating to feel virtuous and strong and resist all of the food I want every day only to still be overweight at night. Obviously I have issues with impulse control, and not seeing any immediate results make sticking with all of this a major struggle for me.

And at the heart of it I wonder if I truly even believe I can do it. I'm really starting to wonder is I actually think I can BE the person i want to be. There are so many qualities i admire in others, and desire to see in myself, but I never seem to make any efforts towards adopting those qualities.

But i just can't wait any longer. I'm not getting any younger, and spending the rest of my life wishing I could change is not worth it. The time has come to shit or get off the pot, so to speak. I have got to decide what it is I really want to do, because the fact is, I'm not that fat, and I'm not particularly unhealthy. So I can decide to settle for this body and keep all the delicious, nutritionally deficient foods I love in my life, or I can choose to elevate myself to a higher standard. But either way I have to accept the realities attendant in each choice, and make peace with it.

Get My Fat Head To Think Thin

When you take that first bite of something really delicious, it is almost too good to be true. Then you take a second bite, and it is still oh so delightful and wonderful and palate pleasing. And the third bite tastes like it is the best thing you have ever eaten and you can never get enough of it. But the fourth bite isn't quite as amazing. So you speed up a little, eating faster and faster, desperate to recapture that sensation you got from the first three bites. Taste that tantalizing burst of flavor on a tongue that is getting more and more attuned (and therefore less sensitive) to each bite. And it continues, the more you eat, the less you taste, so the more you eat, all in an attempt to chase the elusive wonder of the first few bites.

Oh how I know this struggle. I have thrown endless amounts of excess foods down my throat trying to feed that need for intense enjoyment. Swallowing each little bit of sensation instead of savoring it. Eating like there is no tomorrow, or like I will ever eat again.

But what if I stopped doing that? What if I took my time with those first three amazing bites - enjoying each one for all it's worth, and then stopped? Stopped eating, stopped treating food like an hobby, stopped eating as though I would never taste anything good again. We are not built to react to food with an attitude of leave em wanting more, but what if I could train myself to do that? To recognize that beyond the next mouthful there will be more cakes and cookies and treats, and that I probably wouldn't die if I just left this one on the plate. To only eat the bites that are truly wonderful, and stop before they start fading. Stop before I've had so much I'm sick of the flavor, the food, myself. Start remembering at each meal there will be a tomorrow, and I'm going to eat then too.

I think if I can do that, I can lose this weight. And I bet THAT would taste amazing.

Frumpty Dumpty is Hopping Back On The Wagon

I haven't done much lately. I have been in a place where being fat and dumpy and not at all how I want to look has just seemed inevitable, and if I'm going to feel like crap then I might as well keep eating crap right. Boohoo, at least they serve cake at my pity party. And I haven't written about any of it, because honestly, who wants to read all about that? No one.

And I'm not going to say that suddenly the light broke through and I'm all reinvigorated to resume losing weight and taking better care of myself. Because it hasn't. What I am going to say is that I don't care. I have to do this anyway. Whether I'm feeling super fat and hopeless or hot and sassy, I need to eat better. I need to control myself around food, and stop the constant weight gain.

I have never been at a stable weight. Ever. Obviously as a child I was growing and getting taller as well as heavier, but once my height stopped, my weight never reached a balancing point. I have been gaining weight my whole life. I figured out that at 32 and 160 lbs, I have gained 5 lbs a year since birth (not actually, since I wasn't born weighing 0 lbs, but just go with it. Maybe I should say 5 lbs year since conception). If I continue this average I will weigh 200 lbs when I am 50.

Not. Acceptable.

I want to find a weight and stay there. Month after month, year after year. I want clothes in my closet that are all the same size (regardless of what size that is), that I can pull out anything after no matter how long and know that it is going to fit. I don't know how to eat just enough for my body to function - I only know excess.

And frankly, I'm getting really sick of it.

I don't know exactly how I'm going to do this. I have all kinds of plans and ideas that all fail as soon as there is food I can put in my face. but that is what this blog is about. Picking my way through making better choices and finding a better lifestyle and relationship with food.

One bite at a time.