The Escape Continues...

Well, clearly we aren't committing to the junk food rehab we intended when this blog started a year and a half ago.  But that doesn't mean the fight has been abandoned.  Continue to follow Kate and Sarah on their weight loss (and general life) journeys at their main blogs: Practical Pablum and Mama Sarahndipity

Maybe, Just Maybe, It's Working?

I'm down about 3 lbs. For the first time in almost a year, I'm under 160. Whoop!

I have abandoned my calorie counting and instead adopted a plan where I don't have any processed sugar (fruit and a little agave syrup are ok), and try to avoid breads and pastas. And it's working! I feel better, and I even think I already look a little better - the dress I'm trying to get into already has more breathing room.

Yay!

I definitely could not have done this the other way around. Without spending a few weeks really counting calories this plan of avoiding sugar and breads wouldn't have been as successful because I would have been dumping cheese on everything or loading up on too much salad dressing. but now that I've gotten in the habit of measuring and doing without those high calorie extras, basically eating whatever I want as long as it is the fruit and veggie category is so much easier. And effective.

I've actually lost a little weight!!

(for the salads I have been obsessed with enjoying lately, click here

Fat Math

Remember how six months ago (or whatever - not counting) I started writing on this blog? About how I was going to finally get rid of this extra padding I've been carrying around? ABout how I had 30 lbs to lose, and however many months to do it before I hit BlogHer this summer? Yeah. BlogHer is now two weeks away and I have lost... nothing.

Not. An. Ounce.

Pathetic.

Turns out that intending to eat right doesn't actually make you lose weight. So while I have been faithful to my gym membership, the scale hasn't budged a bit because I've paid no attention to what is going in my mouth. it is all "this will be the last time" or "having one of these every once in a while isn't so bad" never mind that once in a while is every day.

So.

I have actually begun paying attention. I have been counting calories religiously - monitoring my intake and maintaining a reasonable level with fanatical attention. If it's going to put me over or to severely restrict my numbers for the rest of the day, I don't eat it. It has really changed the way I look at food, and while in many ways it is depressing (try watching a travel channel food show and imagine the calories contained in any featured meal. takes away the fun of dreaming of visiting those restaurants when you know it will blow two days worth of calories), in general it has helped.

Except weight wise. That hasn't changed at all. Now, I realize that I can't expect to see miracle results when I've only put in a few week's effort. But I should have lost at least a little. Let me break it down for you: 1 lb = 3500 calories. I have cut AT LEAST 500 calories from my daily intake. 500 calories x 7 days = 1 lb a week. Seeing as I was maintaining my current weight with my previous eating habits, a weekly deficit of 3500 calories should result in a perfectly reasonable 1 lb weight loss. And we're at zippo.

Super discouraging.

And here we are at only two weeks until BlogHer. Not enough time to make any sort of difference at all weight wise, especially since being as good as I have been has shown zero results. But hopefully, it is a short enough time to maintain a super strict eating plan (no sugar!! no breads!!). Because my dress for Friday night is a hair tight and I'd rather not have to hold my breath all evening. So.

Goal #1: eat super clean for the next two weeks to debloat and slim just enough to wear my dress comfortably.

If I do this and the dress fits, hopefully it will be the inspiration I need to continue on. If I I do it and the dress still doesn't fit, well, then there is a good chance I'm going to pound some cake when I get home from New York.

The First Step?

I have recently made a breakthrough of sorts (the itty bitty tiniest sort of breakthrough) in the way I view food. For the past several weeks I have noticed that whenever I see commercials for fast food or prepared foods from the store, instead of thinking "ooh, that looks good" I think "gross. why would anyone feed that to their kids or put all of those chemical in their body?" All of a sudden all of my knowledge about HFCS and MSG and food coloring etc has manifested in utter disgust when faced with advertisements of processed foods.

Unfortunately, if oyu placed many of those same foods in front of me when I was hungry none of the thoughts of chemicals would pass through my head and I would still totally eat it. But I still feel that I have taken an important first step. I'm viewing food at least a little differently, and now all I have to do is keep pushing that change until it affects how I eat as well as how I think.

Huh - I thought this would be a longer post.

Fat And Happy?

I haven't been keeping up with my posting here, and there is a very good reason: I haven't wanted to continue rehashing my failure. My failure to stop eating junk, my failure to lose any weight, my failure to make any sort of change in my mindset or eating habits.

It's depressing. It's embarrassing.

I have come far enough in this journey to realize now that there can really be no moderation for me. One is too many, and hundred is not enough, or so they say. If I get started with the sweets, I just can't control myself - so there has to be a cold turkey, never again approach to some of that stuff, at least for the foreseeable future until i get my cravings and body chemistry back under control. Then maybe I can think about moderation. But for now there has to be a no sugar policy.

And that sucks.

I know that when I am thin, and the cravings are out of my system I will feel great. I know that I will probably not miss sweets after I haven't had them for a while. But from where I'm standing now, it seems impossible. It is miserable to suffer through the cravings and not give in. it is mentally defeating to feel virtuous and strong and resist all of the food I want every day only to still be overweight at night. Obviously I have issues with impulse control, and not seeing any immediate results make sticking with all of this a major struggle for me.

And at the heart of it I wonder if I truly even believe I can do it. I'm really starting to wonder is I actually think I can BE the person i want to be. There are so many qualities i admire in others, and desire to see in myself, but I never seem to make any efforts towards adopting those qualities.

But i just can't wait any longer. I'm not getting any younger, and spending the rest of my life wishing I could change is not worth it. The time has come to shit or get off the pot, so to speak. I have got to decide what it is I really want to do, because the fact is, I'm not that fat, and I'm not particularly unhealthy. So I can decide to settle for this body and keep all the delicious, nutritionally deficient foods I love in my life, or I can choose to elevate myself to a higher standard. But either way I have to accept the realities attendant in each choice, and make peace with it.

Get My Fat Head To Think Thin

When you take that first bite of something really delicious, it is almost too good to be true. Then you take a second bite, and it is still oh so delightful and wonderful and palate pleasing. And the third bite tastes like it is the best thing you have ever eaten and you can never get enough of it. But the fourth bite isn't quite as amazing. So you speed up a little, eating faster and faster, desperate to recapture that sensation you got from the first three bites. Taste that tantalizing burst of flavor on a tongue that is getting more and more attuned (and therefore less sensitive) to each bite. And it continues, the more you eat, the less you taste, so the more you eat, all in an attempt to chase the elusive wonder of the first few bites.

Oh how I know this struggle. I have thrown endless amounts of excess foods down my throat trying to feed that need for intense enjoyment. Swallowing each little bit of sensation instead of savoring it. Eating like there is no tomorrow, or like I will ever eat again.

But what if I stopped doing that? What if I took my time with those first three amazing bites - enjoying each one for all it's worth, and then stopped? Stopped eating, stopped treating food like an hobby, stopped eating as though I would never taste anything good again. We are not built to react to food with an attitude of leave em wanting more, but what if I could train myself to do that? To recognize that beyond the next mouthful there will be more cakes and cookies and treats, and that I probably wouldn't die if I just left this one on the plate. To only eat the bites that are truly wonderful, and stop before they start fading. Stop before I've had so much I'm sick of the flavor, the food, myself. Start remembering at each meal there will be a tomorrow, and I'm going to eat then too.

I think if I can do that, I can lose this weight. And I bet THAT would taste amazing.

Frumpty Dumpty is Hopping Back On The Wagon

I haven't done much lately. I have been in a place where being fat and dumpy and not at all how I want to look has just seemed inevitable, and if I'm going to feel like crap then I might as well keep eating crap right. Boohoo, at least they serve cake at my pity party. And I haven't written about any of it, because honestly, who wants to read all about that? No one.

And I'm not going to say that suddenly the light broke through and I'm all reinvigorated to resume losing weight and taking better care of myself. Because it hasn't. What I am going to say is that I don't care. I have to do this anyway. Whether I'm feeling super fat and hopeless or hot and sassy, I need to eat better. I need to control myself around food, and stop the constant weight gain.

I have never been at a stable weight. Ever. Obviously as a child I was growing and getting taller as well as heavier, but once my height stopped, my weight never reached a balancing point. I have been gaining weight my whole life. I figured out that at 32 and 160 lbs, I have gained 5 lbs a year since birth (not actually, since I wasn't born weighing 0 lbs, but just go with it. Maybe I should say 5 lbs year since conception). If I continue this average I will weigh 200 lbs when I am 50.

Not. Acceptable.

I want to find a weight and stay there. Month after month, year after year. I want clothes in my closet that are all the same size (regardless of what size that is), that I can pull out anything after no matter how long and know that it is going to fit. I don't know how to eat just enough for my body to function - I only know excess.

And frankly, I'm getting really sick of it.

I don't know exactly how I'm going to do this. I have all kinds of plans and ideas that all fail as soon as there is food I can put in my face. but that is what this blog is about. Picking my way through making better choices and finding a better lifestyle and relationship with food.

One bite at a time.

16% Of The Way

That's right folks, at last weigh in I was down a little over 5 lbs (to 156.5 gasp, blah, pfft). Hooray. The best part (or worst depending on how you look at it) is that I don't feel like I've made that many changes. Which is great because it hasn't been that hard and there is still so much room for improvement, but bad, because I am lazy and like eating tasty things and don't really want to work hard.

Since moving I have made HUGE strides in the exercise department. Okay, it's usually lazy paddling of the elliptical or even lazier pedaling of the stationary bike while I read a novel, but still. I am couch potato no more. I go to the gym more days a week than I stay home, and I really feel like exercise and this part of my day are now a permanent part of my routine. So that's a nice improvement. Now I just need to increase the effort exerted in my daily exercise and I'll really be getting somewhere.

As for eating, I have been doing really good limiting the sugar. With the exception of this weekend's birthday cake (of which there is still a reasonably sized chunk that I have no intention of eating) I have stayed away from processed sugar pretty successfully. The few times I have had sugar it has been deliberate, controlled and limited to just a bit. And I feel so much better. I know I'm always going to have to be careful with my sugar intake (that addiction is just a bite away), but not eating it feels nice. I hope to try and eliminate it completely from my everyday diet, but if I can't, I'm pretty okay where I am now.

I have done nothing about cutting gluten at all - in fact I've been having a sandwich almost everyday for lunch. But I use the thin round bread which is super tasty, and lower calorie than regular bread. And I've really avoided eating anything wheat as my main meal - no big bowls of pasta or finishing the kids waffles or cereal. Instead I have brown rice or quinoa, and I think I will continue to try and cut the wheat products. I just really had to focus on getting the sugar eliminated because it was by far the greater evil.

There is much work to be done. There is plenty of room left for improvement and many new plans that can be implemented. But it's happening. Progress is being made. And that is a relief.

I May Have Gotten the Monkey Off My Back

But make no mistake, he is still right on my heels.

I hate to speak too soon, but I feel as though I may have turned a corner on my sugar addiction. I have been really careful about my sugar intake lately - choosing sweets that had more natural sugars when I had anything at all (inlcuding experimenting with cookie recipes) and I have found that I am not craving sweets like I have been for the past 4 years. I am able to turn down treats easily, and if I do decide to have something i can stop at one without any effort at all.

Sweet! (omg, I love a good pun)

Now, there may be several factors contributing to this. My sweet tooth never showed up until after I had my first child, and for the first time since them I am not on any type of birth control. So my hormones have only just now been able to return to normal levels and that could play a role.

Also, my aunt recommended that I take L-glutamine to help curb sugar cravings, and while I have been taking it for several months but only seen a decrease in my cravings the past week or so, who's to say it doesn't take a while to kick in? Not going to stop taking it to find out whether it is playing a role or not, I'll tell you that!

So while I can't say for certain what factors have contributed to this change, I CAN say how great it feels. I am no longer a slave to sweet foods. I have even had a few things that were too sweet, and really not that appealing. In the past anything too sweet would immediately trigger a "gorge" response wherein I immediately wanted to eat as much as fast as I could. It was out of my control, and it was miserable to try and fight or ignore this impulse. And I failed regularly.

I know that I am not out of the woods. I will probably never be out of the woods when it comes to sugar. But now I know it can be under my control. Now I know that my life will not have to be spent abstaining completely from sweet things. Now I know I am capable of moderation.

And that is sweet.

I Am Not A Tupperware

Storing extra food is not what my body was made for.

I am really working hard to change my mindset of thinking that if something tastes good I have to eat as much of it as fast as I can. There is always another cake or cookie or tasty treat down the line. This is not the last meal I am going to enjoy. Nothing tastes as good as the first few bites, so why take more than that?

I am aware of the cravings making meals for my kids can trigger - nothing like preparing three peanut butter sandwiches to make you want one. But I have learned that a)there is always a bite or two left over and b)these little bits are enough to satisfy me. I don't need my own whole sandwich.

I've just got to apply that to the rest of my portion control - my eyes are still bigger than my stomach, and my ass is bigger than both. But I'm getting there.

Having a new forum to discuss the clothes I wear, where people are going to see pictures of me and how dumpy I've become is a great motivator. I can't afford new clothes, I don't even want new clothes right now because they don't fit right, but I DO want to look cute and stylish for the myriad folk that might drift off the interwebs an see me in all my yoga-pantsed glory.

Oh, by the way, I HAVE lost 3 lbs already - so pfft! 10% of my weight loss goal, DONE

Maybe I'll Start Sucking My Thumb

I have not had much of an appetite these past few days. For whatever reason, I just haven't been that hungry, and as such I have really been able to notice the difference between hunger and emotional eating.

You always hear advice telling dieters to make sure they are really hungry rather than eating out of emotional reasons. But it can be really hard to differentiate between the two, especially in instances when you ARE hungry, but also craving the wrongs things out of comfort. So for this reason it has been very interesting to experience intense cravings when I know without a doubt that I am not hungry and would not be thinking of food for any other reason.

Of course, identifying the urges when I want to comfort eat and actually finding a way to get around them are two different things. obviously, if I am aware that my desire for cookies is based on the need to comfort or whatever, I can resist. Not that I always do, you understand, but I CAN. however, resisting just means spending the whole night with that vague feeling of needing to do something, plus of course, craving cookies. Which is distracting at best, and fairly unpleasant.

How do you get to where these issues don't bother you anymore? I'm sure it is simply a matter of ignoring it and suffering until your body chemistry is rewired well enough to not send craving signals anymore, but how can I comfort myself in th meantime? There really isn't a good substitute when what your body really wants to do is sink it's teeth into something. I guess there really isn't any choice but to suffer through until the bad habits are broken and food no longer sings it's siren song.

I hope it's soon.

Sloth As Weight Loss Tool

I haven't written anything here in quite some time, because frankly, it gets kind of old (not to mention boring) consistently writing about how you aren't doing anything to lose weight. And that is exactly what I have been doing: nothing.

But there is one way it kind of pays off, and that is when I get so lazy (or engrossed in the computer/a book/whatever that I can drag my lazy ass off the couch and into the kitchen for a snack. For example, right now it is almost 10pm, and I have yet to eaet any sort of dinner because I have spent the last three hours reading and writing within the blogosphere.

Sure, I may spend all night THINKING about food and what I want to eat next, but as far as I know my metabolism hasn't slipped so far that the mere thought of food translates into cellulite so I'm okay there. And sure, I may come close to wetting myself whenever I finally do get up because when I put off getting up for food I am also putting off getting up to pee, but whatever. Beauty is a sacrifice.

this message is not an endorsement of starvation or any other eating dosorder. The writer is not a licensed nutritional expert, nor is she qualified in anyway to dispense advice on any subject, including but not limited to dietary practices. If you are unaware of this, you are probably also unaware of the $100 membership to this blog. Arrangement for payment can be made at practicalpablum@gmail.com

Oops I Did... Oh You Know The Rest

So here I am, in the middle of this intense self-discovery and renewal and life changing diet right? Striving to remake my body and my mind and lifestyke right along with it - all the stuff I've been blathering on about these past five (six?) weeks. Right?

No. Not so much. No dieting for me thanks.

I made cupcakes today. I ate 2 1/2 cupcakes today, and it took every ounce of restraint I have to stop there.

Seriously, what is my problem? I'm not trying and failing, I'm not finding it hard to stick to my diet; I'M DOING NOTHING. And this complete failure to find the motivation to even try is crushing. It is disapointment and disgust in myself at it's keenest, and it makes me want to quit. To just accept being a lumpy tub and get on with being a mom, back fat to the mirror.

It makes me want to eat the rest of those cupcakes.

I'm not sure how to get out of this mindtrap. Wanting to look better hasn't worked. Wanting to feel better hasn't worked. I reward myself with food, and I soothe myself with food when I fail.

Maybe it's time I start punishing myself by witholding food. I haven't earned it, I don't deserve it, I certailny don't need it to survive (I mean I don't need the treats, obviously I need some food).

I just don't know. I can't get my mind aorund it and I haven't found the right approach. the only other time I've lost weight was right after I had a baby, and the lightness and momentum you get hen you have just lost 20 lbs in a week made it so easy to keep it going. I don't have that now (and husband is NOT falling for my argument that I need to get pregnant and have another baby so I can lose some weight), and I'm finding it impossible to start without that initial boost.

I'm finlly understanding just how negligent I've been towards my health and eating habits for the past 10 years - and I'm finally paying the price. I need to do some real introspection (gag) and figure out how I'm going to change my thinking and correct my course.

I should also probably stop baking cupcakes.

There Is No Tomorrow

one of my favorite jokes goes like this:

What is the most popular day to start a diet?

Tomorrow. har de har har

Everyday I want to eat something. Lots of somethings. And right before I shove them in my mouth I think "well, I'll just eat better tomorrow."

Tomorrow I won't eat sugar. Tomorrow I won't eat at 11:30pm no matter how hungry I am - I'll just go to bed (where I should be anyway!). Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow.

Well, there have been a year's worth of tomorrows. Sophie is one year old and I am the same weight I was a week after her birth, despite at one point weighing almost 15 lbs less. Pathetic.

I have done nothing. I have changed nothing. I have rationalized hundreds of meals and snacks, thousands of calories, and ten pounds that is rapidly turning into fifteen.

And this stagnation, this failure to motivate or even try is eating away at me. I'm fat, I'm frumpy, why shouldn't I just sit home in my sweatpants eating?

If I felt better, I'd eat better. If I ate better, I'd feel better. And the snake eats its own tail forever and ever.

I don't know what it is going to take to get me moving forward. I don't know what it is going to take to keep me moving forward once I start.

I just know I can't wait for any more tomorrows.

Baby Steps

Tonight I made pasta. From scratch.



It was not the most beautiful dish, nor was it the most fabulous thing I've ever eaten (although most of the blame for that lies with the sauce which was homemade, but definitely not fresh). But it was pretty good. And it was pretty easy.

While I will certainly not shy away from my sweet tooth, or my love of all things cheese, probably the biggest factor in my dietary downfall has been my laziness. Somedays (okay, fine, everyday) I just can't seem to summon the will to prepare a meal. We're talking salads and sandwiches are too much work. That is some serious laziness. So I reach for whatever is easiest, which often is baked goods or chocolate or ice cream or whatever else my sweet tooth is craving. Cause sugar can motivate like nothing else.

But tonight I cooked. I made something simple, with ingredients I was in full control of, and it felt good. It may not have been the prettiest/fanciest/healthiest meal, but it was fresh and prepared by me in the moment for my enjoyment. I hope to do more of this in the future, and take back a little more control over what I am putting into my body.

I will make pasta again. I plan to try it with some different types of flours to experiment with wheat free options, and I will definitely make the sauce fresh at th same time. Tonight was just a test run so I only made a little in case I had to scrap the whole thing (Brett took the kids out for burgers so it's not like I was depriving them of dinner- although they did eat half of mine, and Jack cried when it was gone), but next time it will be for the whole family. I better rest up.

Making healthy changes (and food from scratch) is not for the lazy.

update 2-1-10:

the recipe I used (although I used roughly half):
2 1/4 cup flour
3 eggs
1/2 tsp salt (I didn't use enough due to my random adjustment of ingredients and mine needed more)

mound flour in a bowl and pour beaten eggs and salt into the center. Mush around and combine using a fork or your hands until it becomes dough. Form into a ball and cover with cling wrap for 30 min.

wash hands,wash counter, sweep up all the flour you spilled, etc.

separate ball into smaller sections (fourths or less depending on your space). Place on floured section and roll out into a misshapen, flat shape. Slice unequal, crooked strips using a pizza cutter.

Boil in oiled, salted water until firm yet tender. Water will be cloudy from the extra flour, and pasta will be very goopy at first leading you to think you've ruined it. Go wash the baby's hair, and when you come back it will have firmed up nicely.

Strain, rinse, and top with your favorite sauce (prefereably not week old leftovers).

Enjoy!

To Find The Time

I was reading a magazine a while back, and it had something about getting 350 minutes of cardio exercise a week being the magic number for weight loss. And of course, this was like Allure or Marie Claire or something, so you know their fitness advice is the best in the biz, haha. But regardless of how well researched or accurate this info is (I no longer have the issue, can't remember which mag or which month, and am WAY too lazy to look it up for verification), I hvae kind of kept this goal in mind during my gym trips. Now, obviously I fall way short of 350 minutes weekly (that's an hour a day EVERY DAY and I just can't maintain that), but it has helped me push through for that extra ten or fifteen minutes or whatever. And I think it even made a small difference in my weight - although that small difference was before the holidays and has been more than eradicated by slothfulness and face stuffing.

My plan now is to refocus myself on hitting this goal and getting more cardio every week, with some better resistance training thrown in for good measure and good metabolism. I've worked over the past 6 months to make exercise a regular part of my daily life, and now I need to put some attention into making it better in quality and quantity.

Or at least just talk about it here. Writing and thinking about changing my body and losing weight is ever so much more fun than actually doing it.

Starting...Um...Now!

So, I've been writing on this here "dieting" blog for about two weeks now, and I have yet to do any actual dieting. Whoops. Guess I better get on that.

My intention going forward is to make some real changes to my eating habits. I find this difficult because A) it involves eating healthy things rather than tasty crap (duh), and B) it makes me feel a little bit like a hypocrite. I ate sugar and junk food (in copious amounts) yesterday, so who am I to say I don't eat it today?

I also feel like it is harder to find social support when making dietary changes. If you are an alcoholic or a smoker, when you tell people that you are no longer drinking or smoking, most people will give you positive reinforcement. That makes it easier. This is, of course, not to say that it is easy to DO those things, but it is easier to announce when you plan to stop bad habits that everyone thinks are bad habits. It is easier to find support. Most people, upon being told that you are no longer drinking, will not immediately offer you a beer. Share stories of all night benders, and people will jump right on the bandwagon to help you get sober. Offer up tales of overeating and weight gain, and you will most likely just hear their own horror stories and then be offered some cookies.

I find it harder to quit implement changes in my diet because you are so often met with resistance or disbelief. Announce that you no longer eat sugar, and the people who know you (and have seen you snarf cake like your life depended on it) tend to view you with a healthy does of skepticism. They naturally don't think you'll make it, and honestly, they probably don't think that it really matters if you do. When someone decides to quit smoking, you don't often hear people say "oh, smoking's not so bad in moderation, go ahead, light up." They will say this to you if what you want to quit is sugar.

And I'll tell you, it may be more socially acceptable, but sugar is every bit as bad for you as smoking or drinking too much.

So I have decided to cut sugar out of my diet. It may not happen cold turkey, but it will happen. I also plan to eliminate (or at least limit) wheat and gluten. I have some digestive issues and I think this will help in terms of my overall health. And yes, I feel stupid saying these things. It feels uncomfortable to suddenly be applying strict rules to what I eat when I ever have before. I don't enjoy talking about it; it feels like I'm lying about who I really am or putting on airs. I worry that people will hear I don't eat sugar or wheat or whatever, and look at my fat ass and think "yeah right." But I am unhappy with my choices in regards to what I put in my body. I want to do better for myself, and I can't let the non existent strangers in my head judge me. All habits have to be changed one day at a time. You have to start somewhere, and as uncomfortable as it makes me, as much as it makes me feel like a pretentious asshole, I'm starting here.

I'm sure it will get easier.

Not So Bad Is Not So Good

The other day, looking down at myself, I was struck by the thought "my legs don't look so bad. they look almost...thin right now." And you know what? It's true. I look pretty much fine. There are plenty of people out there who would probably trade anything to the size I am right now, and I will most likely never go on to fame and fortune as the fat lady in the circus. But so waht? Is "not so bad" what I'm striving for? Is "not so bad" really not so bad if it means my pants don't zip?

A lot of times you hear people who have lost a lot of weight saying that it is hard for them to see themselves as thin. That when they look in the mirror they don't really see their new bodies- that they are constantly surprised by how the clothes they expect to fit them are way too big. This is my problem, in reverse.

I have always been thin. I have always been able to eat whatever I want and remain thin. And most of the time, I still think I look that way. I forget all the changes my body has gone through, and that my metabolism no longer works like it did when I was 20. It is such an unpleasant shock to realize that even the "fat clothes" in my closet barely fit me. That my true body is not the body I have in my head.

I am not a thin, young girl anymore. I am a 32yo mother of three who has let herself go through laziness and self-indulgence. My inner child is ruling the roost, convincing me that I can continue to eat like a teenager, because surviving off cookies and cakes and junk food is really not so bad.

And you know what? It's not. But "not so bad" isn't good enough for me. I want great.

Everything In Moderation. Except Moderation

This week I proved for the five thousandth time (because when it comes to scientific testing I am THOROUGH) that sugar is indeed, my gateway food. A handful of crackers does not make me want to eat the entire box of crackers (unless they are white cheddar Cheez-Its, then Nom Nom Nom Nom). A cheeseburger does not make me spend the rest of the day snacking and munching and generally overeating by a factor of ten. Sugar does.

On Wednesday I decided that I could in fact be strong and only eat one cookie. And I was right. But I spent the rest of the day eating other things – and thinking about eating other things. It was harder to feel the desire for a healthy dinner after having that dose of sugar at lunch, and I snacked all night afterwards. Like sugar awakened every joy the act of swallowing and chewing ever had, and so I felt the intense need to engage in it for hours upon end. Oddly enough, on Thursday when I just said, “to hell with it” and ate ALL of the cookies, I didn’t feel this way. I had had enough, and I was fine to eat respectably for the remainder of the day.

I guess all this has really taught me is that moderation is not going to be the key for me. And since my habit of going whole hog is reflected so brilliantly in my ever expanding girth, I’m going to have to work on abstaining* from sugar and sweets as much as I possibly can.

After my daughter’s birthday cake this week of course. You best believe I’m going face down in that sucker.

*Even though everyone knows abstainance never works, hahahahaha!

Now Before And Before Before

Going through some old pictures a while back, I came across a "before" photo. One of those, meant to be private, no holds barred shots meant to help keep the fire of weight loss lit. This particular photo was taken in 2002, when I had gained a whopping 5 lbs, and completely disgusted by myself. Are you ready for it? here you go:


Completely disgusting, no? Oh, and for the record, in that photo I weigh about 130 lbs - which is my current GOAL weight. Pretty pathetic. What a fool I was to A) think THAT was totally fat, and B) not get in shape then when it would have been so much easier. Oh well.

Pretty much since that photo as taken I have been slowly inching up the scale - between 2002 and 2005 I gained about 10 lbs. And unfortunately, I didn't have a digital camera during that time, so my choice of photos is very limited. But I had a few in an album that I just snapped new pictures of (I am SO high tech) so that you could get a better idea of what I used to look like, and what I hope to look like again. Soon. Sorry the picture quality is so bad - they were fuzzy to begin with, and then the photo of a photo set up doesn't really help.




And here I am today. Sorry the lighting is off a bit (you can't properly see even ONE of my chins), but I think my posture and expression give you an idea of how thrilled I was to be taking this shot, and also perhaps why I didn't move the camera to set up a new one.


ok. That's it. Frumpty Dumpty in all her glory. I will post in progress pics as we go along, and before you know it I'll be shaking my teensy tushy in my first ever AFTER photo!!