Maybe I'll Start Sucking My Thumb

I have not had much of an appetite these past few days. For whatever reason, I just haven't been that hungry, and as such I have really been able to notice the difference between hunger and emotional eating.

You always hear advice telling dieters to make sure they are really hungry rather than eating out of emotional reasons. But it can be really hard to differentiate between the two, especially in instances when you ARE hungry, but also craving the wrongs things out of comfort. So for this reason it has been very interesting to experience intense cravings when I know without a doubt that I am not hungry and would not be thinking of food for any other reason.

Of course, identifying the urges when I want to comfort eat and actually finding a way to get around them are two different things. obviously, if I am aware that my desire for cookies is based on the need to comfort or whatever, I can resist. Not that I always do, you understand, but I CAN. however, resisting just means spending the whole night with that vague feeling of needing to do something, plus of course, craving cookies. Which is distracting at best, and fairly unpleasant.

How do you get to where these issues don't bother you anymore? I'm sure it is simply a matter of ignoring it and suffering until your body chemistry is rewired well enough to not send craving signals anymore, but how can I comfort myself in th meantime? There really isn't a good substitute when what your body really wants to do is sink it's teeth into something. I guess there really isn't any choice but to suffer through until the bad habits are broken and food no longer sings it's siren song.

I hope it's soon.

Well, Hello There

It's been awhile since I visited this blog. Primarily because my stint as a Follistim junkie (fertility meds) made it pretty much impossible for me to lose a pound. As a matter of fact, each month I was yo-yo'ing at least 10lbs, steadily up during the treatments and then down just a little bit in the few days where my body was allowed to go drug-free until the next round of treatment started. Weight-loss during fertility treatments is fairly Sisyphean task and I decided not to chronicle that epic failure along with the epic failure of actually NOT getting pregnant each month.

But that is behind us now. For a variety of reasons, not the least of which is what the drugs did to my body each month, we have decided to say goodbye to the hope of a second child and move on with our lives. For me, in part, this means embracing the journey of losing the weight I've been carrying around since becoming pregnant the first time. My body, after a week of being fertility drug free is starting to give up the weight.

When I weighed myself yesterday, I checked in at 173. Still 10lbs over where I was in November when I took my first shot of Follistim. But down 5lbs from where I'd been only 5 days before.

I have jumped back on the Weight Watchers wagon (although that box of Samoas and Lemon Whatever-the-hell-they-ares on top of my fridge are SCREAMING to me) and am hoping that at least a few more of these "seriously, it's not my fault, I'm taking a medicine that makes me fat" pounds fall off easily before I have to dig deep.

I am returning to the gym tomorrow and am planning on an at-home yoga routine on those days when I don't go to the gym. Right now the plan is: Gym M-W-F and yoga Tu-Th, and maybe a yoga class on Sat or Sunday. I hope to find 5k that I can participate in by July and then I hope to do one a month after that until I can work up to a 10k. Okay, that's sort of just falling out of my head as I type. But I want my body back. If it can't make another baby--I have to focus on the things that it CAN do; and surely it can do all of that, if I am committed to it. And after what I've put it through these past months, it deserves to be taken care of, even if it didn't come through for me in the baby department.

In terms of vanity, I've got some added motivation heading my way. We are taking a family trip to Hawaii in April!! We'll be staying at the same resort as we did for our honeymoon. If Mama's got to stuff herself into a bathing suit, I'm going to have to work on shedding some of this junk in my trunk, and fast.

To that end, our meals are going to be uber-healthy and clean for the next month (with the exception of this weekend when I am entertaining guests and making an Ina Garten 40 clove garlic chicken thing that is rife with cream and cognac. Oh, and there WILL be cheese. And cake). But other than that?! Healthy and clean, my friends!

To that end, last night I made an organic chicken sausage, white bean and spinach stew from Everyday Living and it was delish!

Hrm. It does not look particularly delish in this picture. But I assure you, it is photog-error, not a foodFAIL. It was hearty and filling and full of nutrition and fiber.

Hopefully when I write again on Thursday, I will be bitching about how sore my worked-out muscles feel!

---Sarah

Sloth As Weight Loss Tool

I haven't written anything here in quite some time, because frankly, it gets kind of old (not to mention boring) consistently writing about how you aren't doing anything to lose weight. And that is exactly what I have been doing: nothing.

But there is one way it kind of pays off, and that is when I get so lazy (or engrossed in the computer/a book/whatever that I can drag my lazy ass off the couch and into the kitchen for a snack. For example, right now it is almost 10pm, and I have yet to eaet any sort of dinner because I have spent the last three hours reading and writing within the blogosphere.

Sure, I may spend all night THINKING about food and what I want to eat next, but as far as I know my metabolism hasn't slipped so far that the mere thought of food translates into cellulite so I'm okay there. And sure, I may come close to wetting myself whenever I finally do get up because when I put off getting up for food I am also putting off getting up to pee, but whatever. Beauty is a sacrifice.

this message is not an endorsement of starvation or any other eating dosorder. The writer is not a licensed nutritional expert, nor is she qualified in anyway to dispense advice on any subject, including but not limited to dietary practices. If you are unaware of this, you are probably also unaware of the $100 membership to this blog. Arrangement for payment can be made at practicalpablum@gmail.com

Oops I Did... Oh You Know The Rest

So here I am, in the middle of this intense self-discovery and renewal and life changing diet right? Striving to remake my body and my mind and lifestyke right along with it - all the stuff I've been blathering on about these past five (six?) weeks. Right?

No. Not so much. No dieting for me thanks.

I made cupcakes today. I ate 2 1/2 cupcakes today, and it took every ounce of restraint I have to stop there.

Seriously, what is my problem? I'm not trying and failing, I'm not finding it hard to stick to my diet; I'M DOING NOTHING. And this complete failure to find the motivation to even try is crushing. It is disapointment and disgust in myself at it's keenest, and it makes me want to quit. To just accept being a lumpy tub and get on with being a mom, back fat to the mirror.

It makes me want to eat the rest of those cupcakes.

I'm not sure how to get out of this mindtrap. Wanting to look better hasn't worked. Wanting to feel better hasn't worked. I reward myself with food, and I soothe myself with food when I fail.

Maybe it's time I start punishing myself by witholding food. I haven't earned it, I don't deserve it, I certailny don't need it to survive (I mean I don't need the treats, obviously I need some food).

I just don't know. I can't get my mind aorund it and I haven't found the right approach. the only other time I've lost weight was right after I had a baby, and the lightness and momentum you get hen you have just lost 20 lbs in a week made it so easy to keep it going. I don't have that now (and husband is NOT falling for my argument that I need to get pregnant and have another baby so I can lose some weight), and I'm finding it impossible to start without that initial boost.

I'm finlly understanding just how negligent I've been towards my health and eating habits for the past 10 years - and I'm finally paying the price. I need to do some real introspection (gag) and figure out how I'm going to change my thinking and correct my course.

I should also probably stop baking cupcakes.

Farewell, HFCS, I Hardly Knew Ye...

Really. I had NO idea how much of this syrupy stuff I was ingesting in my daily life. I don't drink soda regularly (diet or otherwise), so I really kind of thought I was a-okay. I was glad when Starbucks cut HFCS out of it's baked goods' ingredients, because that meant I could eat my maple walnut scone and feel good about it. Right? Right?

But people, there's HFCS in loaves of bread!! Bread?! The stuff I make turkey and cheese sandwiches out of?! Corn syrup? And my Fiber One bars and my Special K Red Berries cereal that I thought were so healthy good for me??!!! And I cannot even bear to admit that high fructose corn syrup is the FIRST ingredient on the syrup my poor child has on his organic, whole wheat pancakes every morning. THE HORROR!

Bah!

So, after some soul-searching (and a bit of pouting, because WHY does this all have to be so haarrrrrrrd???!!!), I have decided that our family is kissing HFCS goodbye. I get the whole argument that HFCS is not an evil poison in and of itself and that in moderation it's not going to kill me, but it is EVERYWHERE, and that's the problem. Because of it's omnipresence, it's almost impossible to practice moderation. And it's really just not something my body needs.

So fine. Bye-bye HFCS and refined sugars. I'm hoping that this change will make a difference on the scale, but more than that, I hope it will make a difference in my blood pressure, in my propensity towards diabetes and my overall health. I've put the scale away. I really do want to lose 30lbs. But more than that, I want to treat my body with the respect it deserves. It sure isn't doing what I want it to do these days (cycle #27 of trying to conceive? BRING it.), but beating it up with artificial sweeteners and other crap that it would never come across in nature just isn't fair.

Day #1 of no HFCS was far less challenging than I thought it would be. Trader Joe's is an awesome resource. I don't think I found one product there with HFCS in it. My day was comprised of a lot more fruits and vegetables without the constant temptation of chocolate-y, sugary goodies lurking in the cabinets. Whole foods and natural sugars, like a blueberry, banana and plain yogurt smoothie (so delicious) and can I just say, OMG, that Barbara's Puffins cinnamon cereal??!! made it easy, actually.

I'm one of those people, though, for whom Day #1 is always easy. I ride high on the possibilities and the hope of what might be. Lost weight. Lowered blood pressure. Stable blood sugar. Yay! I'm turning my life around and I feel grrrrreat!

But like most people for whom Day #1 is easy, the reality of it sets in on days #2 and #3, when I start to wish I could have that candy bar in the check out aisle or that muffin at Starbucks. And then it gets tough. I so wish I were the person who pulled their hair out the first three days and then wakes up on day 4 like a new person, saying "wow! I can't believe I ever ate that crap!" But alas, I skip gleefully through the first few days and end out the week a whiney, twitchy mess.

So that should be fun.

There Is No Tomorrow

one of my favorite jokes goes like this:

What is the most popular day to start a diet?

Tomorrow. har de har har

Everyday I want to eat something. Lots of somethings. And right before I shove them in my mouth I think "well, I'll just eat better tomorrow."

Tomorrow I won't eat sugar. Tomorrow I won't eat at 11:30pm no matter how hungry I am - I'll just go to bed (where I should be anyway!). Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow.

Well, there have been a year's worth of tomorrows. Sophie is one year old and I am the same weight I was a week after her birth, despite at one point weighing almost 15 lbs less. Pathetic.

I have done nothing. I have changed nothing. I have rationalized hundreds of meals and snacks, thousands of calories, and ten pounds that is rapidly turning into fifteen.

And this stagnation, this failure to motivate or even try is eating away at me. I'm fat, I'm frumpy, why shouldn't I just sit home in my sweatpants eating?

If I felt better, I'd eat better. If I ate better, I'd feel better. And the snake eats its own tail forever and ever.

I don't know what it is going to take to get me moving forward. I don't know what it is going to take to keep me moving forward once I start.

I just know I can't wait for any more tomorrows.

Self Help Aisle, Party of One...

I am one of those people. Before I tackle any major change in my life, be it a break up or new relationship (back in the day), pregnancy, parenthood, etc., or need to overcome the hurdles that keep me from happiness, like depression, self-esteem issues, blah blah blah, I tend to wander into a book store, touch the spines of every book that might possibly have an answer and then choose one to take home with me.

Since I am a diligent little student, I tend to buy self-help books of the "workbook" variety, complete with brain-probing questions and spaces to write in my very own responses. Oh excellent. Time to try to figure out why I'm such a fatty fat fatty.

So this is the book I am currently working with to try to tackle my inability to manage my food intake:

The Appetite Awareness Workbook by Linda Craighead isn't a book that really probes all my deepest darkest issues with food. It's not about why I eat too much or what triggers me to go face down in a pile of spaghetti and meatballs, or to walk through the bakery section of the grocery store just to smell the donuts. I already know those things. I know that I eat when I am stressed or frustrated or overwhelmed or depressed (but not too depressed, or I stop eating). I know that I eat as a means of filling spaces in my psyche that are not accounted for by the emotion that should be there; I know where that emotion should come, but doesn't. Years of therapy (especially the last one in Los Angeles) really gave me those answers.

But sometimes having the answers to the "why" questions don't address the practical application of how to change that behavior. Knowing that I eat to soothe whatever happens to be hurting inside me? Well, that doesn't stop me from eating. Knowing that I should be asking for help, for hugs? Well, I've gotten lots of help and lots of hugs. Things still hurt. So I eat.

So this book is intended to pinpoint the type of "disordered eating" that floats my boat and to give me a strategy to retrain my eating habits in a way that brings me to a peaceful place in my relationship with food. In other words, the holy grail of weight loss.

We'll see how it goes. She talks about my biggest downfall---the tuning-out eating. Even when I can say to myself, "you shouldn't eat that. don't put that in your mouth," I still find a way to shut my brain down as the food hits my tastebuds, to pretend for a moment that whatever it is I'm about to eat isn't actually the thing that's going to keep me from losing weight or make me heavier. You know, because that is logical. Um. Hear that sound? That's me banging my head against a wall. When you see it written down, it's hard to believe. But it's true.

Also? I started the 30 Day Shred again today. You know, Jillian Michaels? The pain monger from the Biggest Loser? It's her 20 minutes-in-hell work out and I started it several months ago but never quite got back into it after taking a couple weeks off because of a cold. I hated her slightly less this time. Felt like her "you can do its! I'm right here with you" weren't quite as snide and condescending as I felt they were the first time. Like she really did care about me, even though she was torturing me to my very core with those last two minutes of cardio. Perhaps a Stockholm effect for personal trainers instead of kidnappers? Perhaps.

It's all about baby steps. And deep breaths.