Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Not So Bad Is Not So Good

The other day, looking down at myself, I was struck by the thought "my legs don't look so bad. they look almost...thin right now." And you know what? It's true. I look pretty much fine. There are plenty of people out there who would probably trade anything to the size I am right now, and I will most likely never go on to fame and fortune as the fat lady in the circus. But so waht? Is "not so bad" what I'm striving for? Is "not so bad" really not so bad if it means my pants don't zip?

A lot of times you hear people who have lost a lot of weight saying that it is hard for them to see themselves as thin. That when they look in the mirror they don't really see their new bodies- that they are constantly surprised by how the clothes they expect to fit them are way too big. This is my problem, in reverse.

I have always been thin. I have always been able to eat whatever I want and remain thin. And most of the time, I still think I look that way. I forget all the changes my body has gone through, and that my metabolism no longer works like it did when I was 20. It is such an unpleasant shock to realize that even the "fat clothes" in my closet barely fit me. That my true body is not the body I have in my head.

I am not a thin, young girl anymore. I am a 32yo mother of three who has let herself go through laziness and self-indulgence. My inner child is ruling the roost, convincing me that I can continue to eat like a teenager, because surviving off cookies and cakes and junk food is really not so bad.

And you know what? It's not. But "not so bad" isn't good enough for me. I want great.

1 comment:

  1. I so feel this. As a teenager, I used to drink SlimFast WITH my dinner b/c I liked the taste of it. And I could not get above 105lbs, no matter what I ate. My, how times have changed.